last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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