it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
