I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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