I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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