And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
