his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
