Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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