I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
