Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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