My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
