Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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