I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
