hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
