So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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