i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
