thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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