her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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