I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
