so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
