I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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