The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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