This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
