i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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