you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You pole danced in your parka.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
