I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
