my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize