Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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