I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
