So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
