So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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