In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
