the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
