my being single is dangerous.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize