I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
