Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
