end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
