Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
