bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
