my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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