fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
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