our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
