Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
