Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
