apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
