DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.