i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
