just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
