I think I won the penis lottery.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
