Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
