our cab driver is having phone sex.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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