imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
