I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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