Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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