Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
