She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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